Late Nights…1

My head has been full all day. No. Not just today. It’s been a couple days now, and I hate it. It’s like I’m slowly sliding back into the sadness that I thought I had escaped. I was hoping the rumor of it being a never-ending battle was just that… a rumor. One could hope. Which is a funny thing to say because I feel like I’m running out of that. It has never been so apparent that depression is literally just a chemical imbalance. Though I feel like if I say I have depression it’ll get shut down due to a lack of certain type of turmoil. And maybe it’s true. Maybe I don’t have severe depression, and maybe I’m just being sad for no reason. However, I don’t want to minimize my pain nor anyone else’s. I know my pain and sadness is just as real as the next person’s, but somehow I just don’t feel like I’m allowed to be sad. Having everyone around you tell you that you can’t be depressed because of material objects is ridiculous. People think that telling me they don’t understand why I’m sad because I “have everything” will somehow snap me out of my misery. That suddenly I can turn around and be automatically happy because I “have everything.” Little do they know that it does the complete opposite. After someone tells me that I immediately feel worse because I know this. I know that I have everything I’ve ever wanted, so why am I still so sad? Why am I not happy that I could take a second to look up from the screen of my laptop, and see my things. The things that are supposed to make me feel happy. The things that I’ve loved and wanted. The things that I didn’t know I’d eventually have. Why am I still so depressed when I have no reason to be depressed? That’s where I’m reminded that it’s not me being ungrateful. It’s because there is a literal chemical imbalance that I can’t control without popping pills. It’s these moments where I realize that the phrase “you aren’t alone” isn’t really comforting. Yes, there are people who understand what and how I feel, but the worst part… the worst part about it all is that there are people who understand what and how I feel. I would never wish this battle on my worst enemy. It’s moments like these where I need to pull out the small amount of hope I have left, and use it to keep me going until one of these inevitable and unavoidable episodes ends. Once it does then I’ll get a chance to breathe even if it’s just for a second.